flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
