I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
