Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
