If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
