Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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