If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
