1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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