I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
