Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
