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I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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