i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
