Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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