My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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