I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
