Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
