: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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