If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
