Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
