boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
