This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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