he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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