Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
