This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
