I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
