Cold hands, warm shart.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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