I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
