If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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