my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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