my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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