My underwear smells like fireworks.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
