someone threw a dead crab at me
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
