I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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