so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
