I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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