well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
