If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize