Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
