Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I am naked and annoyed.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
