What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
