Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
