I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
