I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
