Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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