Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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