But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
