I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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