Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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