Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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