WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
