i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
