and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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