Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
