i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
