I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
