And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I can't turn off my feet"
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
