im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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