I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
