Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
