Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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