oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
